Superbowl Sunday (From My Perspective)

It's that time of year again sports fans! When two teams go head to head in a game exactly like every other game of Sunday Night football since early fall. For those of you who don't watch much football, I thought I'd write a little something to prepare you for this momentous occasion.

The tradition of the super bowl is so old that when it started, they were still using Roman Numerals to number things. This year is Super Bowl XLV which I can only assume means "really old." It serves as a chance for advertisers to come out of their shells, think outside the box, make use of their imaginations and avoid cliches to inspire and entertain the viewing public in a way that football never has. 

Between commercials, there is a contest between two football teams chosen to compete against one another based on the absurd level of loyalty they can muster among their respective fan bases. A group of talking-heads is selected to comment on the action of this game based on reduced size of vocabulary and increased comfort with repetition. They discuss the events of the field at the viewers' lowest common denominator, often resorting to such enlightening phrases as "he really wants to score a touch down here" or "he should have caught that," or even "he just kicked the ball."

Each team gets to put 11 people on the field during the game, but they are allowed to have up to two-million-and-four on the sidelines, standing by and shouting unhelpful advice to the actual players. These people are the most important members of the team, as it is their job to throw extremely physical tantrums whenever something on the field goes in favor of the other team so as to attract the camera's attention and get their team logo more air time. 

There are some people on the field wearing black and white stripes who do not belong to either team. It is their job to watch the action on the field and make sure to cause as much controversy as possible by making obviously incorrect decisions so that the talking heads will have more to talk about and so that the network airing the game will be able to make use of their fancy replay equipment and dozens of camera angles multiple times to justify the expense of having them all. 

The two teams fight over possession of a dead pig for an hour that always turns into three, and at the end, whichever team's fans cheered the loudest is declared the winner. 

So enjoy today's football game with this in mind and cheer really loudly at your television screens and scream when something goes wrong. Trust me, the scorekeepers can hear you. I promise.

Now excuse me while I go back to watching USA's Man-athon. 

Go Packers!